


I love you, Magnus Bane

by theriverstyx



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Crying Alec, Crying Magnus, Death, Demons, Heartbreak, Hurt Alec, M/M, Malec, Pain, idk what else to put
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:38:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5712904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theriverstyx/pseuds/theriverstyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec was walking to Magnus's loft when he spotted demons in an alleyway. Being the shadowhunter he is, he thought it was his responsibility to take care of the situation. 'Get in, kill the demons, get out, go see Magnus' simple right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first fic on AO3!!! I'm so excited!!! Anyway, this WILL be a multi chapter fic so stick around!!  
> 

Alec shakily slid the silver key into the hole of the door. His trembling hand almost made it an impossible task. With blurring vision and sticky hands, he pushed the door to Magnus's loft open and made his way inside, tripping over his own feet as he went.

Alec tried to call out to Magnus, but his throat refused to comply. He looked around in haste. He knew he needed help and he needed it fast. His eyes landed on the soft dim glow of light spilling out from the bedroom. If he listened closely, he could faintly hear the running water of the shower, but any kind of sound was floating in and out of focus and into a dull hum.

The boy made it his resolve to at least make it to Magnus before he met his end, so with great effort, he trudged one foot in front of the other. It took the boy five painstaking minutes to get to the bedroom door. He reached out to take hold of the doorknob, one step closer to getting to his love. On hi way there, his hand suddenly felt numb.

The numbness spread up his arm and down to his leg. Alec tried in vain to stay standing, as his knee gave out under the numb feeling leaving him on the floor of Magnus's loft. On his way down, his body twisted making the gash in side rip open more and bleed what seemed like buckets. His hand flew to the wound trying to hold in whatever he could even though he knew it was no use.

Alec let out a scream dripping with pain when his throat could no longer ignore the need to work. All sound was turned off, making the whole world appear like a silent movie. With his vision fading in and out, it was practically a miracle that Alec saw the bedroom door open and a face laced with concern looking back at him. At first, he wasn't sure who the face belonged to but as his vision cleared, he saw it was the one- no only- person he wanted to see.

Magnus. His Magnus. Alec smiled despite the grim situation that he had caught himself in. Magnus fell to his knees beside Alec, his mouth forming words that Alec could not hear. Alec's frustration at not being able to hear what Magnus was saying boiled over when the beautiful man before him started to cry.

Alec pushed all the remaining energy he possessed into hearing and what he hear made his breath catch and his heart jump to his throat.

"Alec! Alec please! Please don't leave me!" Magnus fit in between sobs. Alec tried to lift up his arm to wipe away the tears leaking from his love's eyes, but he settled for landing his hand on the warlock's thigh. The warlock's eyes snapped down to Alec's meeting them with unshed tears and an ancient sadness that filled Alec to the brim with self-loathing knowing that he was the one who put it there.

Magnus's hands landed on Alec's side and glowed blue. After the blue light died, and Alec still remained in the state he was in, both knew there was nothing to be done. That it was over for Alec. For both of them. Magnus let out a broken sob that would have anyone's eyes filing with tears. It did Alec's at least.

Magnus put his hands back upon the wound, trying again and again to heal the love of his life and each time getting the same heartbreaking results. He knew what happened, he didn't have to ask. Demons. Eubris judging by the poison that was dangerously close to Alec's heart.

Magnus was just about to try to heal the boy beneath him again when he felt hands close over his own. He looked into the cerulean eyes of the one person he has loved more than anyone he as ever loved before and knew that this was the last time he would be seeing them.

Alec felt the tears drop from his eyes. He didn't want to die. It wasn't fair. There were so many things he wanted to do. So many things he wanted to say. And Magnus. He wasn't even close to being ready to let Magnus go and he knew he never would be. He left so many feelings unsaid, left so many touches he kept to himself even though he wanted to give them to Magnus. So many things he wanted and could never have.

So he cried. He cried for his family, for his little brother who met the same fate as he will, for his mother who is losing yet another son, for Jace who will feel his death, for Isabelle who will be the last of the Lightwood siblings, and for Clary and Simon who will have to comfort his grieving brother and sister.

He cried for all that and more, but mostly he cried for Magnus and all the things he was stupid enough to keep to himself. All the time he wasted on Jace when he could have spent that time with Magnus. All the 'I love you's that never made it past his lips. All the 'You're the best thing that has ever happened to me's that he kept bottled up. All the times he wanted to hold Magnus but kept his hands to himself.

Now he wished he did it all. Held nothing back. Now all he wanted was to hold Magnus and be held and never have to let go. But now was too late and he knew that even though he hated it.

Magnus brushed the tears away from the beautiful boy's face. He never even got to tell him he loved him. He never go to hold him close without fear of him running away.

"Magnus, I love you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."

The words surprised the warlock but he knew they were the utter truth due to the sincerity behind the shadowhunter's voice. His eyes welled with tears once again. Why did this happen? Why now when Alec finally admitted his feelings. Magnus hasn't even had the chance to love him back and he is being ripped away from him.

"I love you too, Alexander. I always have."

Alec shut his eyes tight upon hear those words leave the man's lips. He knew what he meant. He's loved him even when Alec didn't love him back. Even when he was in love with another. Even when he refused to acknowledge his presence. He still loved him.

"I- I'm so sorry Mags." Alec's breathing was becoming shallow and labored. Magnus knew the end was nearing but he wanted to prolong this moment as long as he could. Alec said he loved him. Alec said he loved him. Magnus finally heard the three words he has been dreaming of since he met the shadowhunter and he was overjoyed despite the grim circumstances.

Magnus was broken out of his reverie by Alec's coughing fit. He looked to the injured boy to see blood littering his lips and chin. Magnus swallowed. He knew this was it five more minutes and he would be gone. Taken from him forever. He started sobbing again, throwing his body over Alec's. As childish as it might sound, he didn't want Alec to leave. He wanted Alec to stay right next to him forever and he cursed himself for not realizing sooner just how much this boy meant to him.

Alec accepted that he was dying, but he wasn't leaving without putting everything he felt for Magnus out in the open. "Magnus," Alec had to stop to cough up more of the blood clogging his airways. "I know that I've been a shit boyfriend and person, but I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I never loved Jace. I thought I did, but I didn't. I know what it feels like to be in love with someone and what I felt for Jace wasn't even close. I saw the way you looked longingly at me when I was with Jace but said nothing. I saw the heartbrokeness in your eyes when I left your loft in the early hours of the morning so that no one would know I was here. I saw how you compared yourslef to Jace trying to figure out what in hell was wrong with you, why he was so much better than you, why I wanted him and not you. I saw the way you looked at me when we were alone. As if you were praying you were something I'd at least settle for. I saw the way you had to hold your hand back from touching mine. At the time I was glad you did, but now, now I wish I held your hand every second of every day and I wish I realized that I much rather have you than Jace any day of the week. I love you with every single part of me, yet I still pushed you aside so I could try to keep living in my perfect little bubble of fantasy and because of that I am eternally sorry. " Alec had to force his confession out of his mouth through coughs, blood, and labored breaths.

Magnus stared wide-eyed, too shocked to even continue his sobbing. He knew, he saw. Magnus thought he hid his longing well. Well enough so that no one, not even Alexander Lightwood would know. But Magnus should know by know, Alec notices everything wether he wants him to or not. Magnus closed his eyes as the tears resumed and he rested his forehead on Alec's chest, crying with a new fervor.

Magnus knew he should do the same as Alec. Put everything he ever felt out on the table. But he couldn't find the words. There were too many feelings that the boy invoked in Magnus to explain, so he just settled for the simple honest summary of his feelings.

"I-I love you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood. More than anything or anyone I have ever loved before. There is no one who could ever live up to you. You're it for me." Magnus poured out his heart to the boy whose eyes were helplessly drooping.

Alec laughed a breathless laugh that turned into a coughing fit that sprayed blood all over the boy's face. "Even more than glitter?"

Magnus smiled a little in fondness but suddenly became serious. "All the glitter in the world is no match for just one moment with you, Alexander." Magnus lifted his head up to meet Alec's eyes. They were sincere and beautiful.

"Really?" Alec's voice was a mere labored whisper laced with hope, as if he didn't dare to believe Magnus would prioritize him over anything. 

Magnus took a deep breath trying to steady his voice that was surely about to crack. "Really." Magnus's long tanned fingers reached down to sweep the raven locks away form the boy's face. He tried not to focus on the sharp contrast between the boy's skin and the blood covering parts of it.

Alec could feel his world fading, but he wanted to feel the warlock's warm lips against his one last time.

"Kiss me please." Alec hoped Magnus would comply but if he didn't Alec would understand.

Magnus didn't even hesitate to claim Alec's lips. Alec's bloody, chapped lips. Magnus didn't care. He would kiss chapped and bloodied lips all day as long as they belonged to Alec.

Alec sighed into the kiss he kissed back with abandon but soon his strength faded. Alec laid on the cold hardwood floors and let himself be kissed by the love of his very tragically short life. Magnus pulled away for air and Alec knew this was it. He forced his last sentence out of his lips and turned his head and kiss the inside on the hand resting on his cheek.

"I love you, Magnus Bane."


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus stared down at the boy below him in disbelief. Alec couldn't be dead. He had too much to live for. 

His death grip on the other boy's hand went slack as he check for a pulse. He prayed that there would be a little beat, a flutter, anything that would signal Alec still living.  
But as always, Magnus knew his prayer wouldn't be answered. He checked over and over again, placing two fingers on the soft skink of inside of the Shadowhunter's forearm, always receiving the same results...nothing. 

Tears welled in Magnus's eyes as they raked over the fallen hunter trying desperately to pin-point a source of life. A sob ripped through Magnus that left him doubled over Alec's body in tears. He focused his eyes, though blurry, on the Shadowhunter. He took in his appearance, knowing but not accepting that this would be his last chance to do so. 

His hair, dark as ebony, was matted with blood and grime, but that didn't cause Magnus's love for it to fade in the least. His skin, porcelain perfection, was stained red with the blood that poured from his wound. The last thing the warlock looked at was his eyes. The bottle blue eyes that Magnus had come to associate with love and security. One glance at the unseeing, now dull, blue eyes, and Magnus broke into awful and painful sobs. The sobs tore through his esophagus, making his lungs ache and throat burn. 

He gripped the shoulders of the love of his very long life and started to shake vigorously. 

"Alexander! Don't- don't leave- you can't! You can't leave me alone again, Alec! I-I've been alone for too damn long! Please don't make me do this without you again!" he shook even harder. Hard enough to the point he was picking up the upper half of Alec's body and slamming it back on the floor with a 'thud'. He couldn't bear the thought of a life without Alexander. It all looked dull and pointless without him. 

Magnus stopped slamming Alec's body on the floor and took a long look at the fallen boy. He heaved breaths in and out, sobbing silently as his voice was almost spent.  
He wanted one last time for Alec to hold him. He never wanted to admit it to him, but he loved it when Alec held him. He spent so long without someone to hold him, and once he had it, he wanted to be held in the Shadowhunter’s strong arms all hours of the day. 

He never gave in to his desires to be held, though. He always kept them to himself. He had let too many people hold him who ended up betraying him. He didn’t want to been seen as vulnerable so he kept it locked away. Now he wished he hadn’t. He wished every time he was with Alec he was being held. 

He laid down next to the corpse and wrapped his arms around it. He hugged the boy to him tightly, refusing to let go of the love he should have. He stuffed his face in the cooling crook of Alec’s neck, letting the tears flow again. 

“Alec, please don’t leave me. Alec, come back. Come back.” Magnus whispered, voice cracking, throat aching, lungs screaming, and mind blanking. 

He inhaled Alec’s scent over and over again, committing it to memory. Sandalwood and ashes. Magnus finally identified the last part of Alec’s scent. He knew it was something weird and rough, but he could never put his finger on it. 

Sandalwood and ashes. Sandalwood and ashes. Sandalwood and ashes. 

Magnus repeated the two components in his head in attempt to sear it into his brain. He resolved to never forget a single thing about his Shadowhunter. 

Magnus kept sobbing, kept holding, kept praying, but none of it was bringing his love back. 

Magnus was so caught up in holding the boy that he didn’t notice the three Shadowhunters that burst into his loft in a frantic rush. 

 

He looked up at the three. Isabelle, Jace, and Maryese. Jace looked back at Magnus’s sobbing form and Magnus thought he saw tears well in the boy’s eyes. Maryese took a tentive step forward. 

“Is he really…?” she trailed off at the end, obviously not wanting to say ‘dead’.

Magnus shook his head and sobbed loudly, burying his face further into Alec’s neck. He would not accept that Alexander was dead. 

He heard the intake of breath from across the room. “Yes, Maryese, he is. Alec is dead.” Jace was never one to sugarcoat things but Magnus thought just this once he would go easy on the people around him, but Magnus also thought he was going to eat dinner with his boyfriend tomorrow.

His sobbing grew in volume, length, and severity. He clung to Alexander like a four-year-old would cling to his or her teddy bear. 

Maryese ran over to Alec and Magnus in her own fit of panic. She shoved Magnus away from Alec and held her son's head to her stomach. 

Magnus tried desperately to get back to Alec. He wanted to put his face back in the crook of Alec’s neck where all of this was a dream and nothing was wrong.

Maryese pushed him away every time. 

“This is your fault, Downworlder! If he hadn’t been sneaking off to see you he would still be here! My baby.” The last part was said as a broken sob-whisper. 

Magnus curled into himself, seeking comfort he knew only Alec could give him. Maryese’s words hit him like bullets. She was right though, Magnus knew he was to blame. He always was. 

“MOM! Stop. He loved Magnus and Magnus loved him, and you know if he were still here he wouldn’t be happy.” Isabelle said through he tears. She turned to Jace, who opened his arms immediately for his grieving sister. 

Maryese nodded and glanced up at the sobbing boy in front of her. She knew it wasn’t his fault. He loved her son just as much as she did, and Alec loved him back. She didn’t know why Alec dicided to keep their relationship a secret. Alec couldn’t lie to her if he tried. She always knew where he was and who he was seeing and she was fine with it. 

She wanted Alec to come and tell her on his terms in his own time then she would hug him and tell him she accepted him the way he was. She had it all planned out. What she would say, what she would do. Everything. But now, she would never get to say any of it. 

She sobbed harder and looked up at Magnus. It was clear by the way he was staring at Alec that he wanted to hold him, even if it was just Alec’s body. 

“Magnus, I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. Come back over here.” She whispered brokenly to her son’s significant other. 

Magnus crawled over to his love and grabbed his hand. He stared at the man below him in a silent plea for him to return. 

“I tried. I really did. I’ve never wanted someone to live as much as I wanted him to and I still couldn’t save him. I’m so sorry.” Magnus forced out of his abused throat, voice cracking in weird places. 

Maryese nodded and put her hand on top of the warlock’s free hand. 

“It’s not your fault. There was nothing you could do. Alec wouldn’t want you to carry this guilt. He loved you too much.” Maryese said in a motherly voice. 

Magnus nodded, but couldn’t say anything as he had finally lost his dwindling voice. 

Jace and Isabelle walked over to the grieving pair. Jace was barely hodling it together. He had felt Alec die. 

He was training at the institute when a sharp pain went through his chest, causing him to fall to the floor and yell. Maryese and Isabelle had rushed in to see what had happened when Isabelle spotted to Parabatai rune on his shirtless chest burning. Isabelle had frantically pointed it out and when Jace stopped yelling, and noticed the Parabatai rune was just a faded scar, he knew what had happened. Maryese demanded that they go to the warlock’s residence to make sure it was true, and sure enough, it was. 

Isabelle crouched down and gripped her brother’s hand that Magnus wasn’t holding. The tears were unstoppable as they travled down her cheeks. 

Jace closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He would not cry. People die everyday, right? He knew he was lying to himself. Alec was his brother, protector, Parabitai, and best friend. Jeace thought back over all the memories he had of the boy. He would miss Alec much more than he would miss anoyone else he had lost, and that was a lot of people. 

Jace allowed a single tear to slip out of his eye. He took another steadying breath. 

“Someone has to say it.” Jace reminded his fellow grievers. 

They all nodded and looked at Jace, obviously waiting for him. Jace had always thought Alec would say this for him, not the other way around. 

Jace closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to say it. Saying it makes it real. 

“Ave atque vale, Alexander Lightwood.” Jace reached over and pushed Alec’s eyelids closed just like every other Parabatai before him had done to their fallen partner.

“Ave atque vale, Alexander Lightwood.” The three others voiced in unison. 

“We need to notify the Clave.” Jace said, trying his hardest to be the level headed one, but he knew he was bad at it. It was Alec's after all. 

“Later.” It surprised everyone that it was Maryese who said this. She was never one to keep the Clave in the dark. 

Magnus only gripped his shadowhunter tighter, crying for the love he lost before he even got to have it.


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus lay in his bed, back turned to face the wall of his room contrary to the side of the bed that _he_ used to sleep on.

 

The warlock fisted the canary yellow comforter in his hands tightly, making his knuckles white with effort. Why did he think about this again? Why must he torture himself with the memories?

 

Magnus jerked back the blanket, a decision that he soon came to regret as the icy air made contact with his semi-warm skin. He hasn’t really been _warm_ since it happened. Maybe it was because _he_ was always endearingly cold and Magnus had to cuddle with him, and as a result, produced an astounding amount of body heat. Maybe it was because of the lack of smiles that always made Magnus feel warm on the inside.

 

 _“Or maybe,_ Magnus thought, _now that my heart is stone-cold, everything else is too.”_

The man begrudgingly pulled himself off of the soft, inviting bed and into the bathroom. He flipped on the lights, instantly blinded by the suddenness of it. He hadn’t gotten out of that bed in _days_ , and he certainly hadn’t gotten up to turn on any lights.

 

He turned on the faucet, making a point not to look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t he could look himself in the eye anymore.

 

He brushed his teeth slowly, accidently getting caught up in thought every now and again.

 

He rinsed out his mouth, swishing the water around and just letting it roll down his chin uncaringly. He wiped his face with a towel and snapped the watery mess on the counter away.

 

As he was stepping out of the bathroom, only one look at the bed was all it took for Magnus to crawl back into it- this time on the other side.

 

Magnus knew that every time he cried into the pillow case, it just got grosser, but he couldn’t bring himself to wash it. He knew that every time he laid in _his_ spot, the body divot he left slowly but surely lost its shape. He _knew_ that each time he buried his face in the pillow and tried endlessly to catch of wiff of his love’s scent, the sandalwood and vanilla he longed for so much became more of his own sandalwood and ash.

 

But, as always, Magnus couldn’t find it in him to care at that moment.

 

So he climbed into the opposite side of the bed and buried his face in the pillow, searching for anything that even slightly resembled the smell of his love.

 

He felt like crying—he really did. He could feel the knot in his throat, the sting in his eyes and the slight pain in his nose, but the tears never came. He guessed that he didn’t have the energy to cry anymore, or he’d used up all the tears in his “tear bank” because surely there was a limit to how much one person is allowed to cry.

 

He clutched the pillow tightly—tighter than he did the blanket earlier. He tried to calm his breathing as he breathed in and out slowly and deeply.

 

He let himself be lulled to sleep with the hopes that he’d at the very _least_ have a fleeting dream about Alec. He just needed a moment, even if it wasn’t real.


End file.
